For headache relief find a bottle of aspirin and follow the directions: take two tablets and keep away from children.
The Saucer Method
A group of women are talking about contraception. One says she and her husband practice the saucer method. Then she explains that she’s taller than him and when they have relations they do it standing up with him on a step stool. She watches and when his eyes get as big as saucers, she kicks the stool out from under him.
How many mind readers does it take to change a light bulb?
A Chicken Walks Into A Library
A chicken walks up to a librarian with a book and clucks, “Buk, buk, buk.”
The librarian tries to shoo it away. But the chicken has a library card. So she checks out the book.
A little while later the chicken comes back with more books and clucks, “Buk, buk, buk.”
She checks the books out. Then she follows the chicken to the library door. She sees the chicken with a frog. The chicken clucks, “Buk, buk, buk.” And the frog responds with, “Rreddit, rreddit, rreddit.”
More Sound Advice
If your preferred learning style is experimental—trial and error—then skydiving is probably not for you.
This Joke Dates Back To Chaucer
I met my wife in a singles’ bar. Darn it, I thought she was home with the kids!
If you’re playing in a sandbox and you fine a mysterious lump, it is reasonable to wonder – is it a pinecone or a cat turd? This is a question best left untested. Trust me. Let it rest.
Two Friends Were Hunting Deer
Two friends were hunting deer, when a rattlesnake bit the first man’s Gordon Dangle. The other hunter got out his cell phone and called a doctor.
The doctor said, “You need to suck the venom from the wound.”
The hunter thanked the doctor and hung up.
“What did the doctor say?” asked the wounded man.
“He said you’re going to die.”
Two Dyslexic Fry Cooks
Two dyslexics were working in a restaurant.
The first asked, “Can you smell gas?”
The second answered, “No. I can’t even smell my own name.”
For Some Time Now...
For years I thought my step-dad had Tourette’s. But actually he just didn’t like me.
Show And Tell
For show-and-tell Ronny had movie ticket stubs. “Sat-tu-day, Mommy and Daddy and me watch-ed a moo-vie,” said Ronny.
Miss Finch, his teacher, said, “Now Ronny, you’re a big boy. Use grownup words.”
“Okay,” said Ronny. On Saturday, I saw a movie with my mom and dad.”
“Very good!” said Miss Finch. “What movie did you see? And remember, use grownup words.”
Ronny beamed and proudly said, “We saw Winnie The Sh!t!”
Bulimic Bachelor Party
How do you know you’re at a bulimic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.
A Bad Saturday In Tacoma
A family man took his kids to a zoo. It only had one animal: a small dog. It was a shitzu.
If God didn't want us to eat cows, why did he make them out of hamburger?
If you’re at a party and a drunk says duck my sick, don’t assume he’s being rude. He might be warning you he has to vomit.
Elgin Clifton ©2005-2011