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Jokes I've Heard
Some Bunnies Are Bad
Some Bunnies is my comics blog and my civic duty, for it must be said – some bunnies are very, very bad. Don’t be a fool for fluffiness! There are bunnies amongst us who hate freedom and America.
Updated Each Wednesday
Two Fish Are In A Tank
Two fish are in a tank. One asks the other, "How do you drive this thing?"
How Do You... ?
How do you get a roomful of old ladies to say "f**k?"
A Customer Inquires About The Lunch Special
A customer inquires about the lunch special, "How do you prepare the chicken?"
"My approach is straightforward," answers the waiter. "I look the chicken in the eye and say 'you're going to die.'"
A Grasshopper Walks Into A Bar...
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, did you know there's a drink named after you?"
"Really?" asks the grasshopper. "There's a drink called Stan?"
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
How do elephants hide?
They paint their nails red and sit in cherry trees.
How did Tarzan die?
He was picking cherries.
My All Time Favorite Cannibal Joke
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
My All Time Favorite Pig Joke
Ten pigs are drinking in a bar. Each pig, except one, orders beer. The one won’t drink anything. The barmaid offers to bring him a soda or water. Still he refuses. She had assumed he was the designated driver, and she had wanted to help him.
Finally her curiosity gets the better of her and so she asks the pig why he’s not drinking.
"Miss, you don’t understand," he said. "I’m the little pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
My All Time Favorite Psychiatrist Joke
A psychiatrist hosts a Halloween party. He asks his guests to come dressed as a mental state.
The first guest arrives wearing a big yellow 'smiley' face. The doctor smiles and says, "Ah, you must be happiness. Come on in."
The next woman arrives dressed all in black. "You must be grief. Come on in," says the doctor.
Next a man arrives wearing only a loin cloth decorated with peanuts. "I don’t get it," says the psychiatrist.
"I’m disappointed in you Doc," says the man. "Can’t you see I’m f**king nuts!"
A Man Runs Into A Psychiatrist's Office
A man runs into a psychiatrist's office shouting, "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!"
The doctor calmly says, "Sir, relax. You're two tents."
I'm Sorry... I Can't Help Myself... It's A Kind Of Sickness... Like Tourette's...
How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Check the butter for foot prints.
My All Time Favorite Lawyers Joke
Why are lawyers buried twenty feet deep?
Because deep down, they're really not so bad.
My Third All Time Favorite Kid's Joke
What's the problem with twin witches?
It's hard to know which witch is which.
My All Time Favorite Surrealist Joke
Why did the duck paint his pancakes blue?
Dog house, because canoes don't have wheels!
What's worst than raining cats and dogs?
My Second All Time Favorite Kid's Joke
What's yellow and moves up and down?
A canary with hiccups.
Pete y Paco Son Amigos
Pete and Paco are friends who like to watch football together. One Sunday afternoon Pete went over to Paco’s house, and Paco saw that Pete had bandages on both his ears.
“What happened to your ears?” asked Paco.
“Well,” said Pete, “I was dozing at home while my wife was ironing and the phone rang. And, well… I answered the iron by mistake.”
“Lo siento,” said Paco. “So what happened to your other ear?”
“Well,” said Pete. “Since I missed her first call, my mother-in-law called back a little later.”
Usted Es Un Borracho Malo
Two men were drinking in a bar. The first man asked the second, “What do you like to do when you’re drunk?”
The second man smiled and said, “Fly.”
“Are you a pilot?”
“No,” said the second man. “I can fly just like Peter Pan. Anyone can with a little pixie dust.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“No,” said the second man. “I have enough pixie dust for both of us. Come up to the roof with me, and I’ll give you flying lessons.”
The two men each had another drink before they left the bar. When the bartender picked up his tip, he muttered quietly, “You’re a mean drunk Superman.”
Two antennas met and fell in love on a downtown roof. They got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A Golden Moldy (As Remembered from My Childhood)
A New York ad executive took a call from his client in Japan. "We need a name for our new car," said the Japanese businessman.
"How soon do you need it," asked the ad man.
"I needed it yesterday!" said the businessman.
"Dat soon?" asked the New Yorker.
(Long ago Nissan Motors was called Datsun.)
Flying to Chicago
A businessman was flying on a three-prop plane from St. Louis to Chicago. He looked out his window and saw that the engine was on fire.
Immediately the pilot announced that there was a problem with the number three engine and he needed to shut it down. He told the passengers not to worry because the plane can fly perfectly fine with the remaining two engines. "But," he said, "it will make us an hour late."
All the passengers grumbled.
A little while later, the pilot announced that there was a problem with the number two engine and he needed to shut it down. He told the passengers not to worry because the plane can fly perfectly well with the remaining engine. "But," he said, "it will make us two hours late."
"That last engine had better not fail," complained the businessman. "I can't be up here all day!"
Did You Hear About...
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
The Interview with Senator Smith
Senator Smith was a senior member of congress. During his re-election campaign, a local newswoman asked the senator if he wears boxers or briefs.
Senator Smith smiled and said, "Depends."
The Most Popular Man at the Nudist Colony
The most popular man at the nudist colony is the one who can carry a dozen donuts and two cups of coffee.
Show Him Your Cross
Two nuns are taking a Sunday drive. They stop at a red light, and a man leaves the sidewalk and stands in front of the nuns' car. The man's stare makes the ladies uncomfortable.
When the light turns green, the man doesn't move. The driver beeps her horn, and still the man doesn't respond.
"I don't know what to do," says the driver.
"Show him your cross," says the other nun.
"Okay." The driver rolls down her window and shouts, "Hey, jerk, get the hell out of our way!"
How to Catch a Polar Bear
Cut a hole in the ice. Sprinkle some green peas around the hole. And then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
Jeri Lin's Joke
A second grade teacher was talking to her class about stuttering. She said, "Animals don't stutter, only people do."
One of her students said, "Cats stutter."
"Why do you say that?" asked the teacher.
"I say it because I heard a cat stutter. My dog got off his lease and ran at our neighbor's cat The cat arched his back and said 'fsh, fsh, fsh', but before he could say 'fudge' it was too late."
A man goes into a bar and orders a double whiskey and a pitcher of beer. Immediately, he starts tossing them back. The bartender asks, "What gives? Why are you drinking so hard?"
"You'd be drinking hard if you had what I have," says the man.
"What do you have?" asks the bartender.
"Fifty cents,” says the man.
Computer Science Majors
Tim, a computer science major, saw his friend Dale, also a CS major, ride up to the computer lab on a new bike.
"Cool bike," said Tim. "Where did you get it?"
"I just finished talking to Julia," said Dale, "She closed her eyes, pursed her lips, and said 'Take anything you like.'""So you took her bike?" asked Tim.
"Well," said Dale, "I liked her coat too, but I didn't think it would fit."
A man complains to his doctor, "I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome," says the doctor.
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual,” says the doctor.
Two Nuns Were Seal Hunting
Two nuns were seal hunting in a kayak. They lit a fire because they were cold and shortly afterward sank out of sight, which just goes to show, "You can't have your kayak and heat it too."
At The Veterinarian's
Sue takes her Collie to the vet and says, "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do?"
"Let's have a look at him," says the vet. So the doctor picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally the vet says, "I have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?!" asks Sue.
"No, because he's really heavy,” says the vet.
A Nun Goes To An Auto-Parts Store
A nun walks up to the sales counter of an auto-parts store. "Excuse me," she says, "I'd like to get a new gas cap for my Yugo."
"Okay," says the clerk. "Sounds like a fair trade to me."
At the White House, a senator presses the President to consider alternative fuels. The President listens to several options.
"Nu-clear fission sounds interestin'," says George. "What do you use for bait?"
My All Time Favorite Jesus Joke
Jesus was preaching when he was interrupted by a group of men dragging a woman. "Teacher," said the spokesman, "this woman was caught in the act of adultery. What should we do with her?"
And Jesus said, "Let the one without sin cast the first stone."
Just as soon as he said it, a woman pushed her way through the crowd and lobbed a stone at the adulteress.
Jesus sighed and said, “Mom, I'm trying to make a point there.”
My All Time Favorite Ethnic Joke
Two Irish brothers were drinking to each other’s health one night, when Shawn, the eldest, asked his brother, “Patrick, should I pass before you, would you pour a gallon of whiskey over my grave?” And Patrick replied, “Of course, you’re my brother. I love you.” Then after a moment quiet reflection, Patrick asked, “Brother, would you mind horribly if it passed through me first?”
The Joke My Father Always Tells
A castaway sees a scuba diver coming out of the surf. He runs down to introduce himself, "Miss, I've been stranded on this island for twenty years!"
She feels sorry for him.
She asks, "I suppose you'd love a cigarette?"
"Oh yes," he says.
So she unzips a small pocket and pulls out a pack of smokes. The man lights up.
Then she says, "I suppose you'd love a drink?"
"Oh yes", he says.
She unzips another small pocket and hands him a flask of whiskey. Gratefully he takes a belt.
She unzips her scuba suit just enough to show him a little cleavage. She asks," I suppose you'd love to play around?"
He sputters and exclaims, "Miss, I, I can't believe it… are you telling me you have a set of golf clubs in there?"
The World’s Shortest Murder Mystery
As she surrendered the smoking revolver, she said, “Detective, you have no idea how difficult it is to live with a man who insists on teaching himself the violin.”
I Like Telling This Joke Too
A drunk tries to enter a bar, but the bouncer stops him, “You can’t go in without a tie.” The drunk mutters and staggers back to his car. He’s determined to get another drink, so he looks in his car for a tie.
The drunk finds jumper cables in the trunk. He thinks to himself, “What the hell?” He ties the jumper cables around his nick and goes back to the bar. The bouncer takes one look at him and says, “Okay, so I hav’ta let you in, but don’t you start nothin’!”
A Horse Walks Into A Bar
A horse walks into a bar and orders a Zombie. The bartender makes the drink and asks, “Say fella, why the long face?”
A Rope Walks Into A Bar
A rope walks into a bar and orders a Mind Eraser. The bigoted bartender folds his arms and says, “We don’t serve rope in this here bar.” The rope gets so mad it runs outside, trips on the wooden sidewalk, and gets all tangled up.
After a minute or so of furious thrashing, the rope calms down. Then, with righteous anger, it goes back inside, “Bartender, make me a Mind Eraser!” The bartender glares and asks, “Ain’t you that rope I kicked out of here?” And the rope answered, “No, I’m a frayed knot!”
A Carrot Stuck In His Ear
A young man goes to the emergency room with a carrot stuck in his ear and a banana stuck in his nose. The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Son, you’re not eating right.”
My All Time Favorite Kid’s Joke
Did you hear about the scientists who crossed an abalone with a crocodile?
They thought they’d get an abba-dile, but all they got was a crock-of-baloney.
One payday, Liz received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less than the usual amount, so she went to her boss to complain about it.
“How come,” her boss asked, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”
“Well,” said Liz, “I can overlook one mistake, but not two in a row!”
My All Time Favorite Snail Joke
A snail goes into a used car lot to buy a sports car. He picks out a green Mach1 and goes for a test drive with the saleswoman. The snail likes it so much he tells her he’ll take the car if she’ll paint a red ‘S’ on each side of the car.
“The saleswoman said she could do that, but she was curious why the snail wanted it done.
The snail smiled and said “When I go by, I want people to say, ‘Wow, look at that S-car-go!’”
A mother and her young son returned from shopping and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened a box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
“What are you doing?” his mother asked.
“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”
A Dog Goes Looking For A Job
A dog goes into the unemployment office and asks for help finding a job. “With your rare talent,” says the clerk, “I’m sure we can get you something in the circus.”
“The circus?” echoes the dog. “What would a circus want with a plumber?”
A Good Ol’ Boy Picks Up A Hitchhiker
A good ole’ boy picks up a hitchhiker. “Where you headed son?” he asks.
“I ain’t goin’ that far, but I’ll get you across town.”
So the hiker climbs into the Caddy and off they go. The light is red at the next intersection, and the driver roars on through with a never you mind. The hitchhiker yelps with panic. “Don’t worry,” said the driver. “My brother and I do this all the time.”
The light is red at the next intersection, and again the driver rips through without slowing.
“You can drop me off here,” says the hitchhiker.
“Don’t worry,” said the driver. “My brother and I do this all the time.”
At the next intersection the light is green. The driver stomps on the brake, and the Caddy skids to a stop.
“What is wrong with you?!” shouts the hitchhiker.
“You never know,” says the driver, “my brother might be coming the other way.”
A pastor decided to give a sermon on temperance. So he gathered four jelly jars to use as visual aids. He put dirt in the first jar, vodka in the second, cigarette butts in the third, and cupcakes in the fourth. Then he put earthworms in each jar.
On Sunday the pastor showed the jars to his congregation. The earthworms in the soil were thriving. The worms floating in the vodka were dead, as were the worms in with the cigarette butts and cupcakes.
“So,” asked the Pastor, “What is the lesson here?”
“It’s obvious,” shouted a woman from the back of the church, “As long as I drink, smoke, and eat junk food, I won’t get worms!”
Elgin Clifton ©2005-2011
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