The skydiving instructor told his students, "Count to ten and then pull the ripcord."
A nervous student asked, "You-u-u-u wa-wa-wa-want m-m-me to-to ca-ca-ca-count to-to-to w-w-w-what n-n-n-num-m-b-b-b-ber?"
The instructor said, "You can count to one."
All I Want For Christmas Is My Very Own Car
A man on the bus told me, "They use armadillos to make purses. I saw it in Texas."
"Really?" I replied. "I didn't know they could sew."
Mickey And Minnie Mouse
Mickey and Minnie Mouse stood before the judge in divorce-court. The judge asked Mickey, "I understand you want to divorce your wife because you believe she's mentally ill - is that true?"
"No" answered Mickey. "I want a divorce because I know she's f*cking Goofy."
Two Cows Were Talking
Two cows were talking, and the first cow said, "I'm not afraid of Mad Cow Disease."
"Really?" asked the second. "Why?"
The first cow answered, "Because I'm a squirrel!"
Thank-you Anonymous Emailer
What do you call 500 rabbits running backwards?
A receding hare line.
A Bumper Sticker I Saw in Gig Harbor
Jesus saves. Everyone else takes damage.
A cop found an old man crying on the sidewalk. "What's wrong sir?"
The old man answered, "I married a beautiful young woman. She's intelligent, kind, sensitive to my wants and needs, very generous, my best friend, and she's amazing in bed."
"That doesn't sound like a reason for tears," said the cop.
The old man glared, "I can't remember where I live!"
"To gain self-confidence, you must avoid using negative words such as can't and not," the sales trainer advised the new hire. "Do you think you can do that?"
"Well," she answered, "I can't see why not."
A Man Was Speeding
A man was speeding down the Interstate at 120 mph. He was caught and arrested.
"I have the option of giving you three days in jail or $500," said the judge.
"Awesome!" answered the man, "I'll take the money."
Milton Orders a Bowl of Soup
Milton goes to a restaurant and orders a bowl of soup. The waiter delivers the soup and leaves.
Milton calls the waiter back and says, "Taste the soup."
"What?" asks the waiter. "Is it too hot?"
"Taste the soup."
"Is it too cold?"
"Taste the soup."
"Is it too spicy?"
"Taste the soup."
"Okay," says the annoyed waiter. "Where's the spoon?"
"Bingo," says Milton.
Out For A Walk
A man was out walking when from the other side of a fence he heard a boy shout, "Six!"
He stopped, and again he heard a boy shout, "Six!"
Overcome with curiosity, the man climbed the stepladder leaning against the fence and peeked over, and the boy hit him with a water balloon and shouted, "Seven!"
A Farmer And A Mental Patient
A farmer lived next to a psychiatric hospital, and one of the new patients started watching everything the farmer did. One day, the farmer came home with a pickup load of fertilizer. The patient called through the fence, “Hey, what have you got in the truck?”
The farmer said, “Fertilizer for my strawberries.”
The patient said, “You should try them with cream and sugar.”
Moses Came Down From The Mountain
Moses came down from the mountain saying, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is I got the list down to ten. The bad news is he won't budge on adultery."
My Uncle The Inventor
My uncle invented a storage container for dead batteries.
It looks like a flashlight.
Keep Your Hands Out of The Cool Whip
A scruffy man at a buffet scooped up a handful of whipped-cream and rubbed it into his hair. This upset the cashier, "Sir, keep your hands out of the Cool Whip!"
"Oh," he said. "I'm sorry. I thought it was mayonnaise."
Trouble At School
Jen was in trouble for cursing at school. Her second grade teacher said, "You shouldn't say that word. You don't even know what it means."
"I do to!" said Jen. "It means the car won't start."
A Carrot Stuck In His Ear
A young man goes to the emergency room with a carrot stuck in his ear and a banana stuck in his nose. The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Son, you’re not eating right.”
One payday, Liz received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less than the usual amount, so she went to her boss to complain about it.
“How come,” her boss asked, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”
“Well,” said Liz, “I can overlook one mistake, but not two in a row!”
What is long, wide, green, and has wheels?
A lawn. I lied about it having wheels.
A Dog Goes Looking For A Job
A dog goes into the unemployment office and asks for help finding a job. “With your rare talent,” says the clerk, “I’m sure we can get you something in the circus.”
“The circus?” echoes the dog. “What would a circus want with a plumber?”
A pastor decided to give a sermon on temperance. So he gathered four jelly jars to use as visual aids. He put dirt in the first jar, vodka in the second, cigarette butts in the third, and cupcakes in the fourth. Then he put earthworms in each jar.
On Sunday the pastor showed the jars to his congregation. The earthworms in the soil were thriving. The worms floating in the vodka were dead, as were the worms in with the cigarette butts and cupcakes.
“So,” asked the Pastor, “What is the lesson here?”
“It’s obvious,” shouted a woman from the back of the church, “As long as I drink, smoke, and eat junk food, I won’t get worms!”
Why Did The Monkey Fall Out of The Tree?
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
A CEO and a vice president of two different Fortune 500 companies bumped fenders in the parking lot of a very exclusive golf club.
The CEO asked the VP, "Mister, are you all right?"
He answered, "Yes miss, I'm fine, but my Mercedes isn't."
The CEO said, "I'm glad you're okay, but I'm not sorry we bumped into each other. I've seen you around the club, and I've always wanted to meet you, but I've been too shy."
"Well," said the VP. "Sense you're being brave, I suppose I can be brave too. All this time, I've had a crush on you as well."
"Oh, then it's kismet!" said the CEO. "I think should celebrate."
She went back to her Mercedes and found a bottle of Champaign. She popped the cork and gave the bottle to the VP. He took a pull and offered the bottle back.
"Oh, darling, no," she said. "I think I'll wait."
"What?" asked the VP.
"I think I'll wait and have a sip after we get done talking to the nice police man who has finally arrived."
Why Does New Jersey... ?
Why does New Jersey have toxic waste dumps and Washington lawyers?
New Jersey got first pick.
Winning The Lottery
A woman runs home and tells her husband, "Pack your bags! I've won the lottery!"
He says, "That's wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
She answers, "I don't care... just get the hell out!"
A Teacher Scolds Her Student
A teacher asks her student, "If you have $5 and you ask your father for $8, how much money will you have?
"$5," answered the boy.
"You don't know your math," said the teacher.
"No," said the boy. "You don't know my father."
Three doctors were on vacation in Mexico, and their rental car had a flat tire. They got out to examine the wheel.
"Looks like a flat tire," said the first doctor.
"I concur," said the second doctor.
"We had better run some tests," said the third.
How Many Letters in The Pirate Alphabet?
How many letters are there in the Pirate Alphabet?
52 -- A, R, B, R, C, R...
George Bush's Ambition
What is George's life-long ambition?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
A man walks into a pizza parlor and orders a prune pizza.
"What?" asks the cashier.
"I want prunes on my pizza," says the man.
"Do you want that to go?" asks the cashier.
"Well duh," says the man. "Why else would I want it?"
Laura and George Bush
Laura and George are out walking on their ranch, and Laura suddenly says, "Oh, look at the poor dead birdie."
George looks up and asks, "Where?"
The Energizer Battery Bunny died yesterday. Yep, somebody put the batteries in backwards. And he kept coming, and coming, and coming...
A Doctor Tells His Patient...
A doctor tells his patient, "You have Alzheimer's disease."
"What should I do?" asks the patient.
"The doctor answers, "Go home and forget about it."
Two Nuns On Vacation
Two nuns were riding their bicycles around the Vatican. One nun said, "I've never come this way before."
And the other nun answered, "Oh yeah, cobblestones, who'd have thunk?"
How Is Viagra Like A Rollercoaster?
How is Viagra like a rollercoaster?"
It's an hour wait for a three-minute ride.
Two Lawyers Are Hiking In The Olympic Mountains
Two lawyers are hiking in the Olympics when a hungry bear charges out of the cedars. One lawyer drops his walking stick and runs. The other lawyer picks up the stick and shouts, "You're an idiot! You can't out run a bear!"
"I don't have to," replied the first lawyer. "I only have to out run you."
In Honor of Bob 'Bobcat' Goldthwait's Birthday (Which Is Later This Year, I Think)
What do you get when you run over a robin with a lawnmower?"
My Second Favorite Jesus Joke
A burglar broke into a home late at night. He sought the master bedroom hoping to find a wall safe. As he crossed the living room, he was surprised by a voice, "Jesus is watching you."
The thief spun in a panic and searched the far wall with his flashlight. He discovered a parrot in a cage.
"Jesus is watching you," said the parrot.
"Oh, you're just a parrot."
"Yes," said the parrot, "but Jesus is a pit bull."
Why was President Bush laughing Tuesday?
Somebody told him a joke last Friday.
Interpersonal Relationship Skills
A woman was visiting her sister, and when the woman returned home, her husband told her, "Your cat's dead."
Well, she was upset. She said, "Why couldn't you have found a kinder way to tell me?"
"How?" he asked.
"You could have told me more about what happened to Fluffy before he died. You could have said, he climbed up on the roof and wouldn't come down. That way I would have been more prepared for the bad news."
A few hours later, after Fluffy had been laid to rest, the woman returned home and her husband told her, "Your mother has climbed up on the roof, and I don't think she's coming down."
It's Funny Because It's True
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it's a hardware problem!
My All time Favorite Blond Joke
Why did the blond lose his job at the M&M factory?
He kept throwing away the Ws.
My Second Favorite Blond Joke
Why did the blond write TGIF on her high heels?
To remind her: toes go in first.
Bad News And Really Bad News
A doctor called his patient and said, "Tom, I have some bad news and some really bad news for you."
"What is it?" asked Tom.
"The bad news is you have only twenty-four hours to live, and the really bad news is I couldn't get a hold of you yesterday."
What Do You Call... ?
What do you call an elephant that sits in the middle of a tennis court?
The Toothbrush Salesman
Herman took a job selling toothbrushes door-to-door.
The first day he knocked on hundreds of doors, but Herman didn't sell any toothbrushes. His boss said, "If you want to keep your job, you'll have to do better."
So on the second day, Herman doubled his effort and sold two toothbrushes. His boss was not impressed, "I like you, but you have to do better."
Herman worried about it all night, and by morning he had a plan.
At day's end. Herman hold his boss, "I sold one thousand and twenty-eight toothbrushes!" The boss was amazed and asked Herman how he did it.
"Well, it was easy," said Herman. "I went to the mall and set up a table with chips and dip. People tried the chips and dip and said, 'Oh, that tastes like sh*t!' And I'd say, 'That's because it is - do you want to buy a toothbush?'"
Why Are Elephants So Wrinkly
Why are elephants so wrinkly?
Have you ever tried putting one on an ironing board?
No Elephant Left Behind
What do you call an elephant that can't spell?
King Roo was dissatisfied with his kingdom's mascot. The land of Gee had a magnificent but mundane lion, and Roo thought his magical kingdom should have a magical mascot. So the king called for the wizard Neal.
The wizard brought his recipe book and the king looked through it and considered dragons, unicorns, and gryphons. Finally King Roo selected immortal porpoises.
In order to create the radiant creatures, the wizard needed two eagle eggs. So Neal climbed Mount Intrepid in search of eggs, and at the very top he found an eagle's nest. Unforunately there was a lion sleeping on the ledge below the nest. So Neal had to tiptoe up to the beast and quietly step over him.
The wizard took the eggs. As he was crossing back over the lion, the eggs hatched. The chirping and squawking woke the lion up, and Neal had to run for his life.
Back at the castle, Neal was seized and thrown into the dungeon. The captain of the guard had been watching with his telescope every step Neal took.
Neal asked, "What have I done?"
The captain answered, "You should know better than to take two chicks across a state lion for immortal porpoises."
What Did The Zookeeper Say?
What did the zookeeper say when he saw Ellie The Elephant wearing sunglasses and a trenchcoat sneaking out of the zoo?
He said nothing because he didn't recognize her.
The New Guy At The Pet Shop
A man goes to a pet shop and says to the new cashier, "I'd like to get a dog for my son."
The clerk answers, "I'm pretty sure we don't do exchanges."
An Older Couple Decides To Have A Baby
An older couple decides to have a baby, so they go to a fertility clinic.
The doctor gives them a sample jar and has a nurse lead them to a room where they can have some privacy.
Twenty minutes later, the couple returns to the doctor's office. The man puts the empty jar on the doctor's desk.
The doctor asks, "What's wrong?"
The man and woman both look at the floor. The man answers, "Well, I tried with my left hand. Then I tried with my right. My wife tried with her left and her right. Hell, doc, she even used her teeth, but neither one of us could get the lid off that damn jar!"
Elgin Clifton ©2005-2011