Happy New Year!
An Elderly Man Went In For A Checkup
An elderly man went in for a checkup. The doctor was pleased with the results, “For a 50 year old you’re in great shape.”
“Who said I was 50?” grumbled the man. “I’m 87.”
“You must eat right and exercise,” said the doctor.
“No, it’s genetics. The men in my family are long lived.”
The doctor asked, “How old was your father when he passed?”
“Who said he was dead? He’s a 118 and he’s getting married next week.”
“118!” said the doctor. “I wouldn’t think a man that age would want to get married.”
“Who said he wanted to get married?”
Merry Christmas Everyone!
A man brought a puzzle home and spent three weeks fitting the pieces together. He called all his neighbors over to see it, and he bragged about how quickly he put it together. His neighbors weren’t impressed. But he persisted, “I did it in three weeks! Look at what it says on the box: 4 to 6 years!”
A Termite Walks Into A Bar
A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Where’s the bar tender?”
A Penguin Walks Into A Bar
A penguin walked into a bar and asked the bartender, “Have you seen my brother? I was supposed to meet him here.”
“I don’t know,” said the bartender. “What does he look like?”
A Late Night Snack
A senior couple is reading in bed. The woman looks up from her book and says, “I’m in the mood for ice cream. I want a vanilla sundae with chocolate sauce, peanuts, and a maraschino cherry. While I’m up can I make one for you?”
“Yes, but you stay here,” says her husband. “I’ll go down and make them.”
“No,” says the woman. “I’ll make them. You are so absent minded. I know you’ll forget something.”
“I won’t forget,” says the man as he leaves. “You want a vanilla sundae with chocolate sauce, peanuts, and a maraschino cherry.”
She returns to her book and twenty minutes later her husband comes back to bed with two ham sandwiches. She takes her plate and a bite of her sandwich. “I knew you’d forget,” she says. “You always do.”
“What? What did I forget?”
She holds up her plate, “Where’s the mustard?”
A Man Orders a Shot of Whiskey and a Beer
A man orders a shot of whiskey and a beer. He downs the shot and pours a little beer into the empty glass. The bartender watches the man leaning over his beer, guarding both glasses with his arms, talking, drinking, pouring, and spilling all over the bar top. Finally the bartender decides it’s time to send him home.
The man shouts, “I’ll go when I’m ready! And if you don’t sweeten your tone, I’ll bust your face!”
And a mouse pops up from behind the man’s beer and yells, “And that, that goes double for yer f*cking cat!”
My All Time Least Favorite Joke
A baby seal walks into a club...
A Recently Widowed Woman
A recently widowed woman learned her husband had been unfaithful. So she had the stone carver add until we meet again after rest in peace.
A Sure Sign You Drink Too Much
At AA meetings you say, “Hi, my name is… ah?”
A Polar Bear Goes Into A Bar
A polar goes into a bar and orders, “Make it a Vodka… ah, Collins. The suspicious bartender asks, “Why the big pause?” And the polar bear answers, “I don’t know, genetics? My dad had them too.”
There Was No Update
I was sick. I hate the flu.
Two Brothers Walk Into A Bar
Two brothers walk into a bar. The eldest says, “I’ll have a martini and Jackass here will have a strawberry margarita.” The bartender serves the drinks and the one brother says, “Okay, Jackass, the next around is on you.”
The bartender asks the man why he let’s his brother talk to him like that. He answers, “That’s just him kidding. He aw… He aww… He awwwwww… He always calls me that.”
I'm Sorry... I Think It's Funny
What’s the difference between a saloon and an elephant f@rt?
Well, one is a barroom and the other is a BARROOM!
Thank You Rob
A rabbi, a priest, two nuns, and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender shouts, “Hey, hey-hey, what’s this, some kind of joke?!”
Liver And Cheese
A Spaniel, a Terrier, and a Chihuahua are drinking and flirting with a pretty Poodle. She says, “I only date gentlemen who are witty.” Then she challenges the boys, “Say something clever about liver and cheese.”
The Spaniel tries, “I love liver and cheese?”
The Terrier tries, “Liver and cheese are the best?”
Then Chihuahua grins and says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
Knocking, Pinging, and Smoking
A walrus had car trouble, so he drove to a mechanic’s. He said, “I don’t know what’s wrong. My car is knocking, pinging, and smoking.”
The mechanic told him to come back in a half hour. So the walrus walked crossed the street to an ice cream shop.
Later the mechanic said, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.”
“Oh, no,” said the walrus, wiping his chin. “It’s ice cream.”
The Secret to Long Life
A reporter asked a 104 year old man if he had any thoughts or advice on longevity.
The man answered, "I drink a big glass of water at bedtime, so in the morning I have to get up."
How do you fit four elephants in a small car?
Put two in the front and two in the back.
A Simple Mnemonic For Social Drinking
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...
A Man Took His Dog To The Vet
A man dropped some coins on his kitchen floor. And before he could pick them up, his dog ate them. So the worried man took his dog to the animal clinic. The veterinarian asked him to leave the dog overnight.
The next morning he called about his dog. And the veterinarian said, "No change yet."
A Man Went To See A Psychiatrist
"My wife made me see you," said a new patient. "I'm sorry to waste your time doctor."
"Why do you think this is a waste of time?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well, my wife and I don't have any problems, except that she doesn't like my taste in socks."
"Your taste in socks?"
"I like argyle."
"I like argyle too," said the doctor.
"Really? With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"
George Saw His Buddy...
George was carrying a crate when he saw his buddy Dick. "Guess how many chickens I got in this box, and I'll give you both of them," he said.
No Joke: Drink Responsibly
When I drink, I don't drive.
I also don't splle good.
An angel appeared at a faculty meeting and told the principal that, for his unselfishness and service to the community, he will be rewarded with his choice of vast wealth, infinite wisdom, or great beauty.
The principal chose wisdom. A halo appeared above his head, and the angel disappeared.
Everyone sat in silent awe. Then the principal said, "I'm an idiot: I should've asked for the money!"
Leonard's Cowboy Joke
A cowboy went to buy health insurance. The agent asked, "Have you had any accidents?"
"No," said the cowboy, "but last year a bull kicked me in the head and a rattlesnake bit my hand."
"Those are accidents," said the agent.
"No, them mean bastards meant to do it."
Who Is It?
An elderly woman adopted a parrot from an animal shelter. The parrot only knew how to say who is it?
The woman was also planning on redecorating her home; and the one afternoon she wasn't home, the decorator knocked on her door.
"Who is it?" said the parrot.
"It's the decorator," said the decorator.
"Who is it?" said the parrot.
"It's the decorator."
"Who is it?" said the parrot.
"It's the decorator!"
"Who is it?" said the parrot.
"It's the decorator!" screamed the man. He was so mad he had a stroke and died on the spot.
When the woman came home and found the dead man, she said, "Oh dear, who is this?"
And the parrot said "It's the decorator."
The Preacher And The Town Drunk
The preacher hears the town drunk has never been baptized; so he grabs the drunk, and they go to the lake.
They pray together, and the preacher holds the drunk under water for a few seconds. Then he pulls the man up and asks, "Have you found Jesus?"
"No!" sputters the drunk.
So the preacher puts him under again, for a little longer this time. He pulls the man up and asks, "Have you found Jesus?"
"No!" sputters the drunk.
So again the preacher puts him under. He thinks this should do it. He pulls the man up and asks, "Have you found Jesus?"
"My God!" sputters the drunk. "Padre are you sure this is where he went in?"
My New Favorite Bush Joke
What did George Bush get on his SAT?
Why Did George Bush... ?
Why did George climb the chain-link fence?
He wanted to see what was on the other side.
No Update This Week
I need a break. There have been so many bad bunnies this year.
George Bush Goes To The Doctor
George Bush goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you got to help me - I hurt all over!"
"What do you mean?" asks the doctor.
"Well, look," says George. He touches his arm and winces. He taps his chest and says ouch. Then he pokes his knee and swears.
The doctor answers, "Let's start with an x-ray. I think we'll find that your finger is broken."
What did the mystic say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Why Did George Bush... ?
Why did George Bush stare at a can of frozen orange juice for nearly fifteen minutes?
Because Laura told him it said "concentrate."
A Good Old Boy Was Driving With George Bush
A good old boy was driving with his best buddy George Bush. He asked George to stick his head out the window and see if the turn signal was working. George complied and said, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no..."
Three Intrepid Explorers
Three intrepid explorers trespass on sacred tribal land. The Amazonian Chief orders the men to be put to death and their bodies skinned for canoes.
The Chief offers the men each a choice of execution.
The first man asks for a pistol. He shoots himself.
The second man asks for a knife. He cuts his wrists.
The last man asks for a fork. When he gets it, he starts stabbing his chest and shouting, "Nobody's going to make a canoe out of me!"
Three Men Died In A Freeway Crash
Three men died in a freeway crash. Death asked each one what they'd most like to hear their loved ones say about them.
The first man was a doctor. He said, "I hope they'd say he was a compassionate and skilled healer."
The second man was a teacher. He said, "I hope they'd say he was a considerate and talented educator."
The third man was a carpenter. He said, "I hope they'd say hey, look, he's moving."
A Lawyer And A Blond On A Plane
A lawyer and a blond sat together on a plane to Florida. The lawyer wanted to play a trivia game for money. The blond said, "I'm not good at games!"
"Well," said the lawyer, "I’ll give you a handicap. If you can’t answer my questions, you have to give me a dollar. But if I can’t answer your questions, I’ll give you ten."
They flipped a coin. The lawyer won, so he asked the first question, "How many planets are there in our solar system?"
She thought about it and gave him a dollar.
"There are nine planets if you count Pluto," said the lawyer.
"What’s blue and orange and has feathers when it’s dry and scales when it’s wet?"
He didn’t know, so he gave her ten dollars.
"What is it?" he asked.
The blond smiled, gave him a dollar, and asked, "What’s green and smells like pork?"
The Picture In His Pocket
A man sat at the bar, looked in his shirt pocket, and ordered a double whiskey. After the first drink, he peeked in his pocket again and ordered another double.
The man drank like this all afternoon.
Finally the bartender asked, "What do you have in your pocket?"
"It's a picture of my mother-in-law. I use it to pace myself. When she starts to look kind and sympathetic, like someone I wouldn't mind having a beer with - I know it's time to stop."
Playing Truck Driver
A woman watched her son playing on the front steps of their home. The boy had a bag of M&Ms, one of her skirts, and a piece of chalk. He drew a line down the steps. Then he ate a handful of M&Ms, waved the skirt over his head, and walked down the steps.
His mother asked, "Bobby, what are you doing?"
"I'm a truck driver, mom!"
"I'm a truck driver! I'm popping pills, chasing skirts, and stepping down the line!"
A Priest Was Out For A Walk
A priest was out for a walk, when he noticed a small boy trying to ring a doorbell. The boy asked, "Father, can you help me? I can't reach it."
The priest rang the doorbell and asked, "What now?"
"Run like hell!" answered the boy.
A Smart Man
A smart man thinks twice before saying nothing.
A Professor Takes His Pants To A Tailor
A professor takes his pants to a tailor and asks, "Eumenides?"
And the tailor answers, "Euripides?"
Shopping in New York
A wealthy woman was shopping in New York. A panhandler walked up to her and said, "Lady, I haven't had a thing to eat in three days."
She answered, "Damn, I wish I had your willpower."
No Joke, Chocolate Martinis Are Liquid Romance
2 parts Vodka
1 part Bailey's
1 part Crème de Cacao
Pour ingredients into a shaker with cracked ice and shake. Strain into chilled martini glasses. Top with whipped cream and a drizzle of Bailey's.
Have You Noticed... ?
Flog spelled backwards is golf.
Elephant Jokes Are The Best!
A pink elephant walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hi, have a seat in the kitchen and a sandwich. The owner's not here yet, even for him it's still pretty early."
What Has Four Legs...
What has four legs and chases cats?
Mrs. Cats and her lawyer.
On Wednesday a group of mental patients had planned a trip to the zoo. Sigmund Freud heard about it and decided to help. So he signed in, gathered the patients, and got them on the bus.
Dr. Wes started counting patients, “One, two, three…” he paused because he didn’t recognized Freud. “Who are you?”
“I’m Sigmund Freud,” said Freud.
“Right,” said Dr. Wes. “That makes you four… five, six, seven, eight…”
A pony walks into a bar and says, "Give me a hot-toddy. I'm a little hoarse."
What do you call a Jamaican pr*ctologist?
The skydiving instructor told his students, "Count to ten and then pull the ripcord."
A nervous student asked, "You-u-u-u wa-wa-wa-want m-m-me to-to ca-ca-ca-count to-to-to w-w-w-what n-n-n-num-m-b-b-b-ber?"
The instructor said, "You can count to one."
Mickey And Minnie Mouse
Mickey and Minnie Mouse stood before the judge in divorce-court. The judge asked Mickey, "I understand you want to divorce your wife because you believe she's mentally ill - is that true?"
"No" answered Mickey. "I want a divorce because I know she's f*cking Goofy."
Elgin Clifton ©2005-2011