Happy Holidays Everyone!
See you next year!
Show Him Your Cross
(Good Jokes Should Be Told More Than Once - As Long As You Don't Go Crazy With It)
Two nuns are taking a Sunday drive. They stop at a red light, and a man leaves the sidewalk and stands in front of the nuns' car. The man's stare makes the ladies uncomfortable.
When the light turns green, the man doesn't move. The driver beeps her horn, and still the man doesn't respond.
"I don't know what to do," says the driver.
"Show him your cross," says the other nun.
"Okay." The driver rolls down her window and shouts, "Hey, jerk, get the hell out of our way!"
If you think the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, you’re aiming too high.
No Joke - November Has Been Broken Computer Month!
Happy Thanksgiving everybody! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for December!
A Well-to-do Couple Walked Into A Bar
A well-to-do couple walked into a bar and sat next to a drunk. The drunk rudely and loudly passed gas.
“How dare you do that before my wife!” said the offended man.
“I’m sorry,” slurred the drunk. “I didn’t know it was her turn.”
Never try to baptize a cat.
Did You Hear The One About The Cannibal?
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who ordered a pizza with everyone on it?
If Love Is Blind
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
George Mailed A Postcard To Dick
Having a wonderful time on vacation! Where am I?
From Steve Allen
Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth.
You Might Have Drinking Problem If...
You might have a drinking problem if your idea of cutting back is deciding to use less seltzer.
Please, somebody email me a good joke! For pity sake!
George and Dick Walk Into A Bar And Order Drinks
George and Dick walk into a bar and order drinks.
“I’ll have a V. C.,” smirks Dick.
“How do you make that?” asks the bartender.
“V.C. is shorthand for Vodka Collins,” grumbles Dick.
"Yah," says George.
"Okay," says the bartender. "What will you have sir?"
“Gimme a fifteen,” orders George.
“Huh?” asks the bartender.
“It’s shorthand for seven and seven,” answers George. “Duh!”
Double Yuck, Pekinese: My All Time Least Favorite Dog!
In Vegas, a woman came to the pool side bar with her Golden Pekinese. She put the dog on the bar. And before the bartender could complain, a drunk leaned over and threw up all over the poor dog.
“Damn,” said the man, seeing the pathetic pup. “I don’t remember eating that.”
Sound Advice For Those Who Wish To Avoid Public Humiliation
If you’re buying something with cash and you don’t have exact change, say I don’t have exact change. Don’t say I don’t have any cents.
(Learn from my mistakes.)
What Would You Buy?
A young father and his little girl were watching tv. He said, “I have five dollars burning a hole in my wallet. What do you think we should buy with it?”
“We should buy tampons,” she said.
“Why?” he asked, nervously wishing her mother was home.
She pointed at the tv, “Weren't you listening? With tampons we can swim or ride horses or ice skate anytime we want, anytime!
The Joke My Father Always Tells
A castaway sees a scuba diver coming out of the surf. He runs down to introduce himself, “Miss, I’ve been stranded on this island for twenty years!”
She feels sorry for him. She asks, “I suppose you’d love a cigarette?”
“Oh yes!” he answers.
She unzips a small pocket and pulls out a pack of smokes. The man lights up.
Then she asks, “I suppose you’d love a drink?”
“Oh yes!” he answers.
She unzips another small pocket and hands him a flask of whiskey. Gratefully he takes a belt.
She unzips her scuba suit just enough to show him a little cleavage. She asks, “I suppose you’d love to play around?”
He sputters and exclaims, “Miss, I, I can’t believe it… are you telling me you have a set of golf clubs in there?!”
A Nun Went To An Auto-parts Store
A nun went to the sales counter of an auto-parts store. "Hello," she said. "I like to get a new gas cap for my Yugo."
"Okay," said the clerk. "That sounds like a fair trade to me."
From Elgin Clifton: A Twofer
How Do You Tell A Boy Walrus From A Girl Walrus?
How do you tell a boy walrus from a girl walrus?
I don't know and I'm okay with that.
Some Depression Medications
Some depression medications may cause constipation. How does that help people who may be contemplating suicide stop feeling suicidal?
I love cupcakes. But I don’t like cupcakes with faces. I don’t want to eat anything that looks like it might say at any moment, “Please don’t eat me, aaahhh!”
From Rodney Dangerfield
It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and the button fell off. I picked up my brief case and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
If you can't find the tv's remote control, look in the refrigerator.
The Upbeat Doctor
Dr. Dan was usually upbeat. He preferred good news to bad. And when he had bad news, he always tried to find a silver lining. Morris was a patient of his and a very sick man. So Dr. Dan told Morris, “I’ve got some news for you, and not all of it is bad: they’ve decided to name the disease after you!
Two TV Preachers
Two tv preachers were talking about the decline of morality in America. The first said, “I didn’t have sex with my wife before we were married. How about you?”
The second said, “I’m not sure. What was her maiden name?”
The Best One I've Heard In A While
What’s red and white on the outside and gray and white on the inside?
Campbell’s Cream of Elephant Soup
When feeding seagulls, wear a hat.
A Giraffe Walks Into A Tavern
A giraffe walks into a tavern. The bartender asks, "Do you want a longneck?"
The giraffe answers, "Do I have a choice?"
A Cheerful Confession
A man went to confession and cheerfully told the priest that he had a ménage à trois with two beautiful women. The priest said, “You don’t sound very sorry.”
“I’m not,” said the man, “not at all!”
“Then why are you telling me this?” asked the priest.
“Are you kidding me?” said the man, “I’m telling everyone!”
A Cop Pulled A Man Over
A cop pulled a man over because he didn’t like the way he was driving. “Sir, I have reason to believe you shouldn’t be driving,” said the cop. “Please blow into this breathalyser.”
“Oh, no, I can’t do that,” said the driver. “I’m asthmatic.”
“Well then,” glared the patrolman, “I can take you to the station and draw blood.”
“Oh, no, I can’t do that. I’m hemophilic - I'd bleed out.”
“Fine, get out of your car and walk a straight line.”
“Oh, no, I can’t do that.”
“Why not?” asked the cop.
“Because I’m drunk,” said the man.
A Snake Named Harvey
A snake named Harvey sat down at the bar. The bartender told him, “You might as well leave now because I won't serve you.”
“Why?” asked Harvey.
“Buddy, you can't hold your liquor.”
A psychic told her friend, “Your father is very ill. There is nothing that can be done to save him. Tonight is his last night on earth. By six tomorrow morning he will be gone.”
The woman loved her father, so she bought him a bottle of his favorite gin and played cards with him until very late. She woke up on his couch at a quarter after seven.
“Hey kiddo, you want some coffee?” he asked as he walked by on this way to the kitchen.”
“Yes!” said the woman pleased that for once her friend was wrong.
“Then get the newspaper and bring in the milk,” he said.
When she opened the front door, she found the milkman face down on the welcome mat.
A man was out walking when from the other side of a fence, he heard a boy shout, “Six!”
He stopped, and again he heard the boy shout “Six!”
Overcome with curiosity, the man climbed a step ladder that was leaning against the fence. He peeked over the fence, and the boy hiding there hit the man with a water balloon and shouted, “Seven!”
On The First Day of Kindergarten
On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, politely raise your hand.”
A fretful student from the back of the room asked, “Please explain to me how that will help?”
George And Dick Discuss Marriage
“The secrete of a good marriage, the way to make it last is,” said George, “is, is… to go out twice a week, a little wine, a good meal, some good conversation.”
“So that’s what you and missus do?” asked Dick.
“Yup, she goes on Wednesdays and I go on Fridays.”
“I have some good news and some bad news for you,” said a gallery owner to her newest artist. “The good news is one of my best buyers came in and inquired about your career. He wondered if the value of your paintings would rise after your death. I said I believed it would. And just like that he bought twenty of your paintings.”
“What’s the bad news?” asked the young man with a smile. “Is it that I’m going to have to pay income tax this year?”
“Darling, I asked the gentleman how he heard about your work and he said he was your doctor.”
George's New Apartment
George invited Dick over to see his new apartment.
He pointed at a big brass bell and said, “This is one the coolest clocks I’ve ever had.”
“It doesn’t look like a clock,” said Dick.
“Oh it’s a clock all right,” said George “And it talks. Watch.”
He started banged on it with a framing hammer, and immediately the man in the next apartment shouted through the wall, “Stop that, you moron – it’s three a.m.!
George Was Drinking With Friends
George was drinking with friends. He said, “I learned all the state capitals in the fourth grade. And I still remember them all! Go ahead, try me out!”
Dick asked, “What’s the capital of Rhode Island?”
“Rhode Island has two capitals,” said George. “R and I.”
Very, Very Bad Jokes... Yes Indeedy Do!
What did the mommy buffalo say to her son as he got on the school bus?
(I love ‘em corny!)
George And Dick
George and Dick were doing Tequila shots at the bar while watching cable news. The tv showed a man climbing over the railing of a bridge.
George said, “I bet you twenty bucks that suicider won’t jump.”
“You’re on!” said Dick.
George paid the bet after watching the man fall.
“I shouldn’t take your money. I knew he would jump.” said Dick. “I watched this video earlier today.”
“Well, I did too! Twice!” said George. “I never thought he’d be so stupid to do it again!”
How Many Surrealists Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored cubes of Jell-O.
(There's always room for Jell-O!)
What Do Snowboarders Usually Say Before They Die?
What do snowboarders usually say before they die?
Dude, watch me do this trick!
How Many Drunks Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
How many drunks does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: one to change the bulb and two to help him down off the keg.
(The real question should be how many bulbs are you willing to let these guys break.)
At Heaven's Gate
Two lawyers met in line waiting to see St. Peter. The first man asked the second how he died.
He answered, “I froze to death.”
“I had a heart attack,” said the first man. “I was sure my wife was cheating on me. I came home early and found a strange car in our driveway. I ran upstairs to our bedroom and confronted my wife. I found her alone, but I was sure there was another man in our house. I ran from room to room searching, and swearing, and breaking things until I collapsed. I wish I had taken better care of myself.”
The second man said, “Yeah, if you had exercised a little more, we might both be alive.”
“Dude, I was hiding in your walk in freezer.”
A Young Bachelor Went To Confession
A young bachelor went to confession and said, “Bless me father for I have sinned. I’ve had sex with a beautiful woman in our parish.”
The priest asked, “Was it Mary Alice?”
“No,” said the man.
“Was it Mary Ellen?”
“Was it Mary Kate?”
“I see,” said the priest, “You’re trying to protect her honor. Very well, say ten Our Fathers and ten Hail Marys and put ten dollars in the box for the poor.”
A little while later the man met a friend, and the friend asked how confession went.
The man said, “Not bad, I got three good leads.”
Elgin Clifton ©2005-2011