Some Jokes I've Heard

Jokes 2009


Happy New Year!

An Elderly Man Went In For A Checkup

An elderly man went in for a checkup. The doctor was pleased with the results, “For a 50 year old you’re in great shape.”

“Who said I was 50?” grumbled the man. “I’m 87.”

“You must eat right and exercise,” said the doctor.

“No, it’s genetics. The men in my family are long lived.”

The doctor asked, “How old was your father when he passed?”

“Who said he was dead? He’s a 118 and he’s getting married next week.”

“118!” said the doctor. “I wouldn’t think a man that age would want to get married.”

“Who said he wanted to get married?”


Merry Christmas Everyone!

Darlene's Joke

A hillbilly brought a puzzle home and spent three weeks fitting the pieces together. He called all his neighbors over to see it, and he bragged about how quickly he put it together. His neighbors weren’t impressed. But he persisted, “I did it in three weeks! Look at what it says on the box: 4 to 6 years!”


A Termite Walks Into A Bar

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Where’s the bar tender?”


A Penguin Walks Into A Bar

A penguin walked into a bar and asked the bartender, “Have you seen my brother? I was supposed to meet him here.”

“I don’t know,” said the bartender. “What does he look like?”


A Late Night Snack

A senior couple is reading in bed. The woman looks up from her book and says, “I’m in the mood for ice cream. I want a vanilla sundae with chocolate sauce, peanuts, and a maraschino cherry. While I’m up can I make one for you?”

“Yes, but you stay here,” says her husband. “I’ll go down and make them.”

“No,” says the woman. “I’ll make them. You are so absent minded. I know you’ll forget something.”

“I won’t forget,” says the man as he leaves. “You want a vanilla sundae with chocolate sauce, peanuts, and a maraschino cherry.”

She returns to her book and twenty minutes later her husband comes back to bed with two ham sandwiches. She takes her plate and a bite of the sandwich. “I knew you’d forget,” she says. “You always do.”

“What? What did I forget?”

She holds up her plate, “Where’s the mustard?”